this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
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Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
What number SPF blocks people?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
this is funnier than any friends episode
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.