HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
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me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”