[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
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[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.