I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
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Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Please do it!
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.