“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
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[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*