replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
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Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.