[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!