I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
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Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.