Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
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Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Money is the root of all wealth
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.