Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
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Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I feel seen
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”