Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
You Might Also Like
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
based al yankovic
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?