The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
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Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
*ernest hemingway voice*
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”