Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
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#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
no
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour