If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
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Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.