Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
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I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
do what now??
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey