The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
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me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
you stereotypes are all alike
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Yes, this is exactly right
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date