me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
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A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
our love story in four pictures
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
it’s finally my moment to shine
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.