Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
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I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I unironically love this joke.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.