I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
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SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
What if the weather talks about us?
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE