You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.