Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
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If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
adding to the discourse
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood