Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
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Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly