asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro