My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
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When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.