[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
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If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I never know how much to tip a cow.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Lmfao
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS