Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
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that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents