My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
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[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
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“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.