*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
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I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’