9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
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*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
taking June’s advice to heart