[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
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waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Risking my life for fun.
Stonehinge
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids