A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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Cool shirt 🙂
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.