I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
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[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
sry
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Fidel Castro was alive?
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…