If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
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My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Boom, boom, ching!
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Ape together strong
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
My birthstone is kidney
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.