It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
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I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.