[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
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Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.