People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
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When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Are we there yet?…
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
This week’s mood.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.