professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
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Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr