Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
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I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
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[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?