Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
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Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I just tested negative for patience.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.