Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
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showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
The Struggle
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.