What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
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Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.