Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
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[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.