[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
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So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
A classic…
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones