Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
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JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I am never leaving this website
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Cheers Twitter.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle