Cats are still liquid.
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I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…