walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
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[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today