When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
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Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Body by cheese-puffs.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me