I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
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Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
How do dragons blow out candles?
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.