if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
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This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”