Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
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Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner